


Games Night 2.0

by ProseApothecary



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Board Games, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-09-01 19:30:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16771429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProseApothecary/pseuds/ProseApothecary
Summary: Monopoly: For when you can't afford a real house in Park Lane anymore.





	Games Night 2.0

“What did you put for the ending time?” asks David, hurriedly setting out cheese plates.

“Three question marks. I know how fun and spontaneous you find it when people write invites that way.”

David stares at Patrick.

“I put 10 pm. Relax, you’re not gonna have to spend more than 3 hours around your friends and family.”

“Perfect.”

Around the 3-hour mark, Patrick and David’s money is in towers. David wonders how many goat’s milk moisturisers they’d have to sell to relive this with real cash.

“Uh-oh,” says Ted, landing on King’s Cross Station. “Looks like I’m _station_ ary for now.”

“ _Ted_!” Alexis elongates the syllable as she happily whacks his shoulder.

“No flirting during Games Night,” David reminds them.

“Oh, there’s no flirting during Games Night? What about Patrick asking if you wanted your mansion in Mayfair or Park Lane?” asks Alexis.

“That’s called common courtesy.”

“It’s _called_ flirting, but I wouldn’t expect you to know that. How long did it take you to realise Patrick was into you? Three to four…gazillion years?”

Ted moves Alexis’ chardonnay glass to the left, where Jocelyn happily takes a swig.

Patrick leans over to Ted. “I usually just let them tire themselves out.”

”And he was so _obvious_ about it. I mean, have you seen those puppy-dog eyes? Like, how oblivious can you get?”

“Roland,” says Patrick, suddenly less set on letting the situation play itself out, “it’s your turn.”

“But I’m invested in the story now. This will-they-or-won’t-they thing is killing me.”

“What will-they-or-won’t-thing?” asks a confused Stevie. “They already have.”

“Wait,” says Roland, turning to David and Patrick, “you guys are dating?”

David stares at him. “Oh my God.”

“Roll the dice, sweetie,” says Jocelyn, patting Roland’s shoulder.

Roland’s turn ends up with him in jail, for the 8th time. “Looks like I’ve been impeached folks!”

“Let me guess,” says Jocelyn with a giggle, “improper use of town facilities?”

David wonders whether the no flirting rule needs to be signposted.

“Jake and Stevie,” he says, “your turn.”

“We should probably be heading off soon,” says Stevie. “There’s a woodworking documentary that Jake really doesn’t want to miss. Besides, we had strict instructions to leave at 10, so…”

“Ok, no one is leaving until we win the game,” says David.

“Are you…extending a game night…beyond it’s preordained ending time?”

“I will give you 5 Monopoly dollars to stay. Giving you a total of 6 Monopoly dollars. You’ll be in with a chance.”

“Take the money babe,” says Jake, “a lot of places accept that as legal tender.”

“ _What_?” asks David, “Where are you shopping? Nevermind,” he adds, as Jake opens his mouth to answer, “I think you and Stevie go to the same Direct Flannel Outlet.”

David hands Stevie the 5 dollars. “I’m sure this will land you at least ten shirts.”

Stevie and Jake manage to go bankrupt within one round.

“You never even got a _hotel_ ” says David pityingly.

“I am very aware of the irony, thanks,” says Stevie.

“Maybe you should just transfer Rosebud Motel to me and Patrick,” says David, “since we’re doing so well.”

“Ok, don’t act like that wasn’t entirely Patrick.”

“Excuse me,” says David, “this was a joint effort.”

“You almost didn’t buy the water works because you didn’t want to be a plumber.”

“…What’s your point?”

“My turn!” Alexis interrupts.

“Our turn.” Ted corrects.

“Right,” Alexis says with a wink, “our turn.” She starts giving little business lectures about her strategy, going bankrupt very soon after.

Roland and Jocelyn are doing a little better. Jocelyn squeals when she gets to pick a card from the Community Chest.

“Well I don’t want to brag, but it looks like _someone_ won first place in a beauty contest.”

“Second.” says David.

“What?”

“Second, you won second place, there’s no _first_ _place_ card _-_ ” David feels a familiar hand on his knee. “…but congratulations, I guess.”

“Thank you,” says Jocelyn, spirits slightly dampened. “Believe it or not,” she says, getting her oomph back, “I won the old Schitt’s Creek pageant back in the day.”

“Ooh how exciting!” says Alexis. “You know I won the Miss Universe title one year, but they cut me out of the broadcast when they found out I was only 15.”

“Good for you,” says Jocelyn, spirits dampened yet again.

“Wow,” says Stevie, “it’s almost like those contests reward women who look like teenagers.”

“Aw, thank you!” say Jocelyn and Alexis simultaneously.

“I don’t know if I’d say I still have the youthful glow I had at 18,” adds Jocelyn, “but my students sure would! You should see some of the letters that get put in my pigeonhole. Talk about not safe for work!”

“Well,” says Ted, attempting to break the awkward silence that has descended upon the table, “I’d be happy to _vet_ them for you.”

“Ted,” says Alexis, whacking his arm with considerably less vivacity than last time.

“The whole kitten capoodle?” Patrick asks.

Ted grins at him.

David rolls his eyes. “Just to be clear, Alexis, all the pageant judges thought you looked much, much older than you were?”

“You were a pageant boy too, weren’t you David?” asks Alexis, eyes narrowing.

“It was a _talent show_.”

“Well, a mother-and-son performance of _All that Jazz_ requires a lot of talent to pull off.”

“Oh my God,” says Stevie, “is that why you dress like a flapper?”

“Were there sequins involved?” asks Patrick.

“I’ll send you guys the video later,” says Alexis with a wink.

“Ok,” says David, “no one’s sending anyone anything. And can we get back on track? Does no one remember the first rule of Games Night?”

“Don’t talk about Games Night,” says Roland in a gravelly Italian accent.

“It’s actually ‘Focus on the gameplay,” says David. “Which is why I’m not going to ask whether that’s what you think Brad Pitt sounds like. Because it’s not important to the game. Or in general.”

“Brad Pitt?! Please, Dave, it’s Marlon Brando! The Godfather? Kids these days don’t know the classics.”

“David’s actually 37,” offers Alexis, “so he hasn’t technically been a kid for…”

“…Do you need a calculator?” David asks.

“No, I just happened to do a little bit of pre-drinking before I came here. You try doing sums on half a bottle of red.”

“Oh my God,” says David, “It’s like you didn’t even listen to Rule 18.”

“Newsflash David, no one listened to those rules.”

“Have some havarti,” says Patrick, attempting to decompress a very tightly-wound David with a plate of cheese and crackers.

David huffs, feeling slightly patronised. “Do _you_ remember rule 18?”

“Wasted players means wasted time?”

“I guess _some_ people listened.” David looks pointedly at Alexis.

“Rule 12: Snacks are vital,” says Patrick, holding up the cheese and crackers.

“That was actually in the appendices,” says David, but he takes the food. “Wait, it’s our turn-”

“I’ll roll,” says Patrick, “you eat.”

One Community Chest card later, Jocelyn’s pageant money ends up in their cash pile.

“We win,” says a soothed David. “Now everyone can, and should, leave.”

“What he means,” says Patrick, “is thank you for coming.”

“Half the protein-powdered acai berries we brought didn’t get eaten,” says Jake, “so can we take them home?”

“I already threw out the box,” says David, a little put out at how anticlimactic their victory is.

“Ok, so can you get like, a doggy bag or something?”

“Ignore him,” says Stevie. “Anyway, we’ll head off. Thank you for the invite, Monopoly was really fun for at least 2 of the 5 hours we played it for. Which I think is some kind of record.”

“Congratulations you two!” says Roland, giving David and Patrick a hug. David’s not sure if it’s for their victory or their relationship.

“Oh my God, this was actually fun, David,” slurs Alexis.

“Well, you were drunk for most of it.”

“ _Exactly_.”

“Ok, bye now.”

“Congratulations on winning,” says Patrick, pouring David a glass of Chardonnay, “and more importantly, congratulations on surviving a games night with Roland.”

“Congratulations on surviving a games night with Jake.”

“Mm. Well, despite feeling hugely intimidated by his intellect, I made it through.”

“Sorry. I didn’t even want to invite anyone except Stevie. But Roland was at reception when I went to ask Stevie if she wanted to come, and he basically invited himself and Jocelyn AND refused to be on separate teams, so I had to make it a couples night. And then I had to invite all the other couples, you know, to dilute the Schitt energy, and-”

“It’s ok,” says Patrick, resting his hands on David’s back, “you didn’t invite _all_ the couples though...”

“Who did I miss?” asks David, hooking his fingers in Patrick’s belt loops to pull him closer.

“Bob and Gwen? We talked to them yesterday?”

“…Gwen and Bob are a couple? That explains a lot.”

“You realise you’re as oblivious as Roland?”

“Please never say that to me again if you want this relationship to survive.”

“Say what, _Dave_?” asks Patrick “that you and Roland are two peas in a pod? Practically twins? Dare I say, soul-Mmnf.”

He’s cut off by a kiss.

“You’re lucky I’m in a good mood,” says David, “because I’m sure comparisons to Roland Schitt are the number one cause of divorce in Canada”

“Breaking up with me after I practically bought you London would be a bit harsh.”

“It was a joint effort,” says David.

“Right. Business partners.”

“Business partners,” David affirms, pulling him into another kiss.


End file.
